i'm on a kind of spontaneous trip down to atakpame for a meeting and thought i would take the opportunity to do some updating since i alwys feel like i have way more to share than i have the time to. so here goes.
i'm almost hitting my year mark in country. weird. i've had definite ups and downs and right now i feel i'm on a high, so it's probably a good time to be updating. they talk about different stages people go through on their service, one being questioning your progress, be it in work or cultural adjustment. i think i was stuck at that stage for a few months and have gotten to the point of accepting a couple things. first of all, i'm never going to come close to fully understanding this culture. so, the kinds of relationships i will be able to build are inevitably going to feel different than relationships i can form with people from a culture closer to my own. that being said, i think the reason why this has been the biggest challenge for me is because i believe that the most genuine and effective change happens through organic relationships. what do you do, then, when you have such a hard time building the kind of relationship you want? i'm still in the process of figuring that out. secondly, i've accepted the fact that i'm always going to be looked at as a foreigner, no matter how long i live here or how hard i try to be well integrated. i'm not sure if it's inevitable or not and i'm not sure whether it's a bad thing or not. my physical appearance and all the connotations of being a non-togolese are the first obstacle in my becoming fully integrated. people make assumptions, there are stereotypes, everyone makes them and acts accordingly. togolese are not the only ones or exempt from it. but there is not a whole lot i can, should, or necessarily want to do to change certain attributes of myself. it's cultural exchange (as frustrating as it can be sometimes) and part of the reason why i'm here in the first place. at my lowest point i was wondering why i'm spending my time and effort in a place where i'm not going to really understand most of the people i have to work and live with and where i'm always going to be looked at and treated as a foreigner. at that point i had to ask myself why i am staying and try to answer as honestly as possible. do my reasons for staying the two years outweigh my reasons for going back to the states? i've decided that they do. having family and friends in the states that i won't see for a while make it both harder and easier to stay. i'm looking forward to being with them again, but i'm fortunate to receive from them incredible support for the work that i'm doing. i also have a great support system here in togo. i don't have kind enough words to describe some of the peace corps volunteers around me and forever grateful for their friendships. despite the cultural barrier, i also recognize the invaluable relationships i've built with some of my togolese brothers and sisters. they're not always easy, but what relationship is? above all, i see how this experience is forming and changing me in ways that only spending two years in togo as a peace corps volunteer could. my worldview has expanded for sure and i've asked questions i might not have otherwise even thought of asking. i may not be changing the world (it's true, i'm not), but at least i'm gaining a new appreciation for it and *hopefully* making little changes that will contribute to the greater cause.
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